Spirit Guides And Kundalini
Background:
As a child I read thousands of books, mostly fantasy/sci-fi novels. This easily led to an interest in metaphysics and psychic powers in me at a young age. I found myself concentrating on my third eye in order to astral travel by the age of 9. Personality-wise I was a double-Gemini, super-Vata personality, very much living in the world of contemplation and witness observation. This led me to live somewhat out of the normal social groups. I used to wish that I did not have to live in a human body and could just travel around and explore as a spirit. I am sure that this basic make-up heavily influenced my desires in my later years.
In retrospect, I can see that my true spiritual experiences began around the time I began using LSD in college when I was 19. I had actually just started drug-use at this time, only just recently having gotten stoned and drunk when I was late 18, early 19. At first I found LSD use to be incredibly visual and body oriented. After about the fifth time of use I began to seriously use the tool for inner exploration of my own personality and inner reality. This was completely spontaneous, I had not really read any books on real meditation on the inner self, or any healing books at this time. By about the tenth time I was having realizations about how much I did not like aspects of myself and really wanted to go through some deep work to become a better person. Looking back now, I can see that the kundalini presence was at work even then, leading me in this direction. I am quite sure of this. I actually was feeling other presences at this time, very subtle, yet I did not quite 'admit it' consciously. I started getting turned onto various spiritual books by other people, I was an avid reader of Carlos Castenada's series and then began to read the Barbara Brennan's 'Hands's of Light' book. This aroused much interest in me for the healing arts. At this time my motivation was based on how cool it would be to be a healer and have energy abilities and be able to see auras.
I soon moved to New Mexico, where spirituality is somewhat more prominent and I eventually found myself working at a holistic healing center, making friends with many therapists and energy healers, and of course this furthered my interest in healing abilities. I took Reiki I from a fairly well-known healer and channeler in this area and began a serious study of the Reiki system. I began to try to contact my Reiki spirit guides, as alot of Reiki practitioners do. This was a regular part of my meditation system at this time, and included alot of prayers for divine light to fill me and heal me and work through me. Also during this time I was heavily into LSD and mushrooms and was beginning to have many interesting consciousness effects while they were in use such as Unity consiousness with other people and synesthesia, as well as healing of life issues, new and expanded feeling states, etc. After taking Reiki and starting to try and contact my spirit guides when I tripped I was usually aware of another presence or presences plural which were heavily influencing my trips.
It was about this time in my life that my interest in worldy things began to decline and I began to not even be interested in healing per se, just any psychic powers I could get my hands on. I was also still very much into the regular use of hallucinogens. I experienced my first spontaneous yoga movements while listening to some devotional Indian music on LSD. Soon I was having slight spontaneous movements every time I tripped, but not while straight yet. I moved around the country a few times during this time and also trained for a Reiki master level from a teacher in Texas. I often wonder if being around 'accomplished' or long term Reiki healers results in somewhat the same thing as shaktipat.
In New Mexico again, about three years ago I read the book 'Autobiography of a Yogi' by Swami Yogananda and loved it. Probably because it was full of tales of miraculous powers and such. Let me point out that at this time I was not quite interested in the quality of feeling states that I possessed, ie I did not care about being a 'lover' yet - had actually forgotten the taste of love altogether, I was all into psychic powers and strange excursions into unknown consiousness territory. One day after I finished the book by Yogananda I saw I sign advertising initiation into Kriya yoga. Of course I went and was initiated. I was soon practicing the kriya yoga techniques twice a day. Probably a week after kriya yoga initiation I took some mushrooms and began experiencing spontaneous yoga hand mudras and was made to 'bow down' by some other force. I was also 'given' some very nice and highly refined states of feeling/bliss/consciousness. Soon I moved up to Portland, OR, on behalf of some dreams I had that I would find my soul mate there. At this time I was also chanting 'Om Namah Shiva' alot and studying tantra as well. During one session of chanting 'Om Namah Shivaya' I think I really cleared out alot of my own 'monkey mind' - well enough that it was pretty silent. I entered a somewhat heightened state and heard a voice that was not my own, which made a comment on my meditative efforts. This was the first 'voice' or communication that I heard in my spiritual travels, it was to become pretty commonplace in another half of a year. In Portland, for some reason, I barely did any hallucinogens for a period of a 6 months or so (maybe two times). Each time I tripped I could definitely feel another presence that was teaching me about myself, and coaxing me on in various ways - also was experiecning 'spontaneous kriyas' during these few trips. Just a side note - the personality, and types of spontaneous kriyas caused by the presence were fitted into whatever spiritual system I was studying at the time. Nothing really spiritually interesting happened during this time outside of my hallucinogen use. I lost interest in meditating for various reasons and basically no longer saw myself as a member of the kriya yoga lineage about 4 months after initiation. In the next 6 month period I began jumping from one spiritual system to the next, studying quabballah, sufism, yogas of va! rious types, and reading only spiritual books after this point - I was looking for the elation and effects from the various systems -trying to find the one that matched me best. I also began to seriously question my 'spirit guides' at this point and was soon able to ask a question silently, clear my mind, and recieve an answer. Note that the answers were not very clear and involved some research often times. I began keeping a journal of questions and answers.
The beginning of the more hardcore kundalini manifestations:
I was soon using hallucinogens regularly at this point - it was so easy to access true spiritual experiences and states with them. I also had the added use of nitrous oxide in conjunction with the hallucinogen use which combined started what I see as the beginning of the real body integration with the shakti. My theory on this was that the nitrous oxide would somehow relax my body state enough so that the shakti could more deeply enter me at that time. I would experience various effects every time I tripped. The kriyas would come when I looked for them. Once strange odors began to emanate from my body, really delightful smelling fragrances. I am not sure if perhaps my olfactory center in the brain was being affected or whether it was a real-world smell. But I know it was caused by the kundalini shakti.
I began to study yoga, dance, ecstatic movement and statement techniques, Osho's trance/dance techniques, sufi dances of peace, and many other methods - I was looking for spiritual excitement and was very serious about it. Soon my spiritual interests began to consume much of my attention. I was attending college at this time and I skipped the last 6 weeks and basically took some type of hallucinogen in combination with nitrous oxide every 2-3 days. I was practicing pure witness consciousness as often as possible, in conjunction with the Hong-Sau breath mantra and some sufi mantras. I began practicing pranayamas daily, nadi sodhana, and surya beda - I was actually attempting to raise my kundalini now, which I had read about for years, and I thought for sure if I raised it all the way I would become truly enlightened and empowered
. I would occasionally fast, practiced head stands, intense yoga postures, and was to a large extent misusing my body carelessly in order to get some kind of spiritual high (spirituality can be an addiction too). I was now communicating with my 'spirit guides' all day long throughout the day using the question/answer method, whether I was straight or not -soon I was able to hear them quite easily and casually. Also during this time I was experiencing intense healing of childhood issues and present issues which opened up whole resavoirs of emotional energy. In one session of this type of release therapy I cried for the first time in 10 years or more. It soon became my goal to have as many different types of emotional releases as possible, and soon I was able to do it more and more, usually using hallucinogens, sometimes alchohol. Finally I became adept at really feeling strong and deeply while straight. I was finally becoming interested in developing my ability to love and feel deeply. It was at this point that I started to realize the value of emotional ecstacy and bliss. I believe that this was one of the most powerful aids to the actual true kundalini awakening - the emotional upsurges, from where ever they came. This fits in with the old adage of developing bhakti, or devotion - I believe this was exactly what I was doing - first I was learning to love myself, and soon I was loving the whole world.
The last stages:
It was during this intense use of hallucinogens and sadhanas that I was experiencing the major energy manifestations and true integration. Most of it happened within a one month period of time. Now when I was tripping the trip was being led by this presence within me, my emotions, thoughts, and energies were being guided by this presence, in order to heal me, and to bring it's presence closer. Various internal kriyas were being experienced, such as nostrils opening and closing on their own, microcosmic orbits, energy rushing up and down the spine, chakra breathing, pains and pressures in various chakra locations, and all over the brain, amazing images were playing across my inner vision world, images which were all directly controlled by the shakti, abrupt chemical/mood changes, etc...I went through many fears of being possessed by negative entities, and many fabricated realities which I thought were true for a while, I really believed that I was so on to attain extraordinary powers like levitating, that I would be a siddha master. After a certain intense session, it became quite obvious that I no longer needed the drugs, the shakti was so deeply in my system, that it was as if two people were living in one body. The shakti could now completely control my body/mind/emotions, without my use of any drugs. I then stopped using drugs - to take a break - my body was pretty worn down. I did not use any drugs whatsoever for the next 6 months. The strange pressures in the brain and nervous system continued daily for a few months after this. I also went through a month of experiencing little pin pricks all over my body - which I assume to be the clearance of the nadis. Occasionally I would feel pain and sensations in a somewhat larger area in or around the prostate. I assume this was the muladhara. Note that I had not felt anything in this area until the very end. In my case the kundalini awakening seems to have been from the top! down.
After this point I had to rid myself of some false reality beliefs, which are too detailed to go into here. The psychic phenomena wound down at this point, though the shakti's presence was around me 24 hours a day. It soon became commonplace to experience various states of ecstacy, which were much more intense and cleaner than any drug experience I have ever had, though they usually lasted a very short time. I also have experienced daily 'spontaneous movements' since then, though I would say it is more like there is another person using my body with as much skill and finesse as I myself can (maybe more?). Often times my dreams at night would be directed by the shakti. She can also play many cool awareness games with me - she can manifest small images in the center of my vision, make parts of my body feel extremely large or small (or cause just about any kind of sensation on my 'feeling body' etheric?), put me to sleep, take away various natural body pains temporarily, produce just about any natural hormone from various glands, and others - in short I believe she has complete control over my voluntary and involuntary nervous system. Obviously there is still and will probably be for years a process of slow change going on. I feel that my intelligence has increased markedly, my awareness abilities, feeling states etc. all seem to becoming more refined as the years go on. My attachments become less and less, a work of some type continues. There is nothing too exciting in any particular day though. I am still getting past the let-down stage, after all of the fire works, I thought for sure that my life would rapidly change. It seems that all of the intense fireworks were for the purpose of getting a deeper connection with the shakti. Note that I have tripped only about 5 times in the last 2 years since the awakening and have barely done any drugs. When I did trip, nothing spiritually spectacular would really happen that I couldn't get without the drugs with some effort at being aware. I am not presently meditating since the 'big awakening'. All in all, I would say I spent a total of maybe 2 years in a somewhat depressed/manic state due to the kundalini's effects. This was before the major awakening. Since then I have pretty much only have had to deal with the let-down phase, the realizations that the world is pretty much the same as ever. My ego illusions are being dropped one by one - I do not even want to become some great healer, spiritual leader, siddha master, or any of those roles anymore. I am becoming content with pursuing a healthy way of life and living simply. I can definitely see the role of the kundalini shakti in shaping me in this way.
Personal beliefs about Kundalini shakti (probably of a transitory nature, of course):
She is somewhat merciless in many ways, but she is is also compassionate, she has never really let me suffer for too long at any time throughout the whole process. It seems that she has very little actual goals for me personally - I personally believe that she for the most part is very aloof from human interests in the area of the small 'self', only in the areas of the larger whole. She is definitely not some great force of 'good', nor of course evil. For example, I am quite sure that I could go rob banks, go on a murder spree, whatever, and she would do nothing to stop it but watch - although I truly believe she could stop it if she wanted to. Nor does she really answer any questions as to the nature of her own reality and purpose. I think that anyone who speaks on behalf of the kundalini is more likely speaking on behalf of themself. No matter what master or great teacher you follow, it seems that their personal ideas of the 'way to be', virtues to cultivate, etc. are their own only. Never has the kundalini shakti told me how to act, or intructed me in any way. My level of communication with her is just about as close as you can get, if it were any closer we would be the same person, so there is no chance of miscommunication. She does however seem to hold an interest in helping me overcome those aspects of myself that I personally feel that I want to overcome. More and more I think that she is only motivated by true desire/feeling, but not at all by dry emotionless ego thoughts about how I would like to be.
© Copyright Kaleb Thompson 2001